What am I doing with my life? The Olanzapine was working, but I decided to stop taking it. There is a part of me that wants to feel depressed, anxious, and have eating problems. I know that sounds messed up, but I feel like I won’t know who I am if those qualities don’t stay. Depression, anxiety, EDNOS, and self-harm are all apart of who I am, and after three years, I’m still not sure that I want to recover yet. I do, so that I can become a school psychologist. I don’t because I’m in a “comfort” zone, and am a little afraid to jump out of that. Again, what am I doing with my life, with myself?
I had to slices of pizza without hesitation. Proud of myself! :)
Fear Food Friday: Every Friday I am going to try and eat one of my fear foods. Today, I’m gonna try and eat pizza.
Cutting doesn’t cross my mind much any more. Is it sad that I kind of want it too?
I was shut down in my class today. I did my work, but was bored and didn’t want to be there or do anything. Too many flashbacks come up when I go to class and they need to stop.
Yesterday I drove up with my sister to see one of my cousins at college and spent the night and came back today. That was the first time I drove by myself that far (about two hours). I had fun. My little sister joined in on becoming high. I didn’t want her to do it, but I went with them (I didn’t smoke it). My sister was SO funny, but she kept switching between extremes of laughing and being funny, to become extremely emotional and sad.
Well, ended up punching the steering wheel while I was driving to class because I felt like I couldn’t do it today, but I was fine after I was in class. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would have been.